the buzz log

Hey idiots, Grumpy Grandpa here. I hate a lot of things, but one thing I really hate is loud music. My neighbors play that "rock and roll" nonsense all the time, and I'm sick of being woken from my naps. So, to drown out the racket, I've decided to buy one of those "iPod" things.

I have it on good authority that a new version of Apple's musical contraption is coming out soon. Searches on "new ipod," "ipod rumors," and "ipod announcement" are soaring like proud American eagles. But I'm not sold yet. Below, I've listed five features I want in the new version...

1. 24 point font — I want to be able to see which Andrews Sisters song I'm playing. No squinting. I'm too old!
2. Andy Rooney Podcasts — An absolute must-have feature. And they should be updated daily. No, hourly!
3. Headphones that don't interfere with my hearing aids — I don't want to stick some infernal "ear bud" in my ear canal.
4. Compatibility with my motorized Rascal — I want to be able to just plug it in and go.
5. Bingo Mini-Games — The numbers should be called in a loud, clear voice. Preferably Andy Rooney's.

If my demands aren't met, I'm sticking with my gramophone. OK, time for my pills and Judge Judy. Adios, losers!